Dear Mystical Melody
by Severina Angel
Summary: Newly married to the psychotic nutter that is Lord Voldemort, Rose Riddle desperately needs advice on how to cope living with her new husband, his pet snake and his deranged followers! Using a fake name, Rose secretly corresponds with the renowned astrologer (and Undesirable!) of the Wizarding world, Mystical Melody. What will Melody advise our desperate heroine to do?
1. Chapter 1

**_Authors note: I had the idea for this little story when checking facts and dates for my main story 'Dark Amber'. I'd thought it would be fun to do a little parody on Dark Amber, specifically Rose's thoughts on being Voldemort's newly-wedded (and bedded!) wife!_**

_The Daily Prophet _ 1st_ June 2000_

_Mystical Melody – The Wizarding world's Premier Astrologer sacked from the Daily Prophet!_

_It is with great regret we__ announce that Mystical Melody has been dismissed from our paper. Our glorious leader, the magnificent Dark Lord has declared her as an Undesirable. If anyone should know of her whereabouts, please contact Chief Inquisitor Yaxley or a member of his squad._

_Melody enjoyed an illustrious 45 year career as our very popular resident astrologist. Her brutally honest, witty and caustic horoscopes either had you howling with laughter or choking on your cornflakes in horror and indignation!_

_Melody became the Wizarding word's number one astrologer and was at the top of her game. However it is not wise to upset those at the top and Melody had the audacity to offend our glorious leader, the omnipotent and magnanimous Dark Lord. _

_As you will all know readers, Melody published a pamphlet which ridiculed and insulted our glorious leader. And that was wrong, very wrong of her, for we all know what a wonderful lord and master he is. _

_All of these offensive pamphlets are now hopefully destroyed. The Dark Lord wishes to make it clear if anyone dares to have kept a copy of the said pamphlet, he will ensure they feel his wrath!_

_We received a statement from Melody last week, but can only print an excerpt from it._

_"Thank you to all my loyal and faithful readers. I shall miss entertaining you with my horoscopes. But I'm still working and casting charts, you can't keep a gal like me down! As for you Dark Lord, you can…********************************************** **************!_


	2. Chapter 2

_The Lair,_

_Puddle Heights,_

_Somewhere in England _

_21st July 2000 _

_Dear Mystical Melody,_

_I hope this letter finds you well. I was very sorry to hear of your sacking from the Daily Prophet. I always enjoyed your column in the paper. A little bird told me how to get this letter to you. I'm pleased you are still casting personal horoscopes and love scopes and I'd be grateful for your advice on how I'll fare with my new partner._

_I've been married for just over a month to my husband. He'd been after me for five years before we married and let's just say I was a little reluctant and resistant to the idea of being his wife._

_However he can be very persuasive and…well…I was persuaded most forcefully that it would be in everyone's best interest if I said yes and accept his proposal!_

_I'm finding married life very hard going. My husband is very controlling and a work-a-holic, dedicated to his career. I'm a girl who likes to be free-as-a-bird and here, there and everywhere. At present I'm cooped up in my new husband's house in the back of beyond and am bored out of my brains!_

_To be honest Melody, he's not the best company. He's a little bit older than me and we haven't much in common. He's not really a people person; he prefers spending time with his pet snake! He does occasionally let me join him and his friends for dinner…but…I can't stand them! I've never met such a bunch of weirdo's in my life!_

_The only consolation I have is in the bedroom…Let's just say he's taken me by surprise in that department! He's so virile that I've got a bun in the oven already!_

_But what I really want to know is how do I make this relationship work? I'm not sure we are at all compatible…Frankly, I can't stand him! I think he's the biggest douche bag I've ever met! _

_Anyway, to the details you need to cast our charts._

_Me; Primrose Puddle, born 1__st__ June 1979_

_Him; Veldotrom Puddle born 31__st__ December 1926_

_I eagerly await your refreshingly honest opinion on the chances of us even making our first wedding anniversary!_

_I'd better go, he's on his way and I don't think he'll like me writing to you!_

_Write back soon,_

_Primrose Puddle _


	3. Chapter 3

_My-hiding-place-that-shall-not-be-named! _

_23__rd__ August 2000_

_Hello Primrose Puddle,_

_Thank you for selecting my personalised love scope and congratulations on your baby bump! Despite being a flighty, flibber-ti-gibbet of a Gemini, you have the sense to consult me for a brutally honest reading of both yourself and your partner. I'll hopefully help you to avoid a stint in Azkaban for poisoning your man or cursing the evil arse to kingdom come!_

_Well Primrose, let's start with you. Born on 1/6/79, you are a classic Gemini. Most astrologers will describe you as a butterfly, fluttering prettily through life. Born under the sign of the twins, you will be changeable and multifaceted…blah, blah, blah!_

_Enough with the clichéd tosh, I'll tell you what you are really like! Are you sitting comfortably? Here goes…_

_You have a multiple personality disorder love. God help anyone who marries you! You'll have them rocking and mumbling in a corner within six months. Or they'll want to murder you. You change your mind and moods like the wind. You are extremely neurotic, moody and shallow._

_You've got oodles of charm and intelligence. However you will test even the most saintly person with your constant wittering! Zip it once in a while Primrose…less is more! And stop prying into everyone's business…no one likes a nosy parker!_

_Now to the bedroom…You are a saucy little minx and will have most men on their knees with your sexy, sassy ways (just don't talk)! However you will probably end up with a reputation as a player! _

_You are quite happy to flit between several men at a time and your husband will soon get pissed off watching you flirt shamelessly and display your luscious charms to other fella's! You will leave a trail of bitter and broken hearted exes in your wake and possibly be a familiar face in the divorce courts (Muggle sexpot actress Marilyn Monroe was a Gemini)._

_Still, no-one's perfect Primrose! Just be your flighty, chatterbox, charming, annoying, flaky and flirty self!_

_Now Primrose, to your husband. Oh dear…._

_You say your husband's name is Veldotrom Puddle (strange name!) and he was born on 31/12/26, Mercy me, you clearly like the more mature (ancient!) man. Well, his horoscope is a very interesting one…_

_Your husband is a classic Capricorn. Unfortunately for you, all the most annoying traits of the sign of the goat are magnified in your husband's chart times a hundred. Good luck with this one love, you're going to need it!_

_Veldotrom is a Psychopathic, dominating control freak! You have your work cut out with him! Most astrologers would describe your husband as a traditionalist. _

_I say he is a sexist, misogynistic dinosaur, who thinks your only __purpose in life is to be his obedient little wifey, service him in the bedroom, provide him with kids (geddit?!), hang on his arm like a trophy and tell him and his entourage he's simply the best thing ever and your life would be nothing without him (God, I hate men like him…what a douche!)!_

_You've got your own personal tyrant Primrose. He's clearly obsessed with power and domination and will leave a trail of broken hearts (and bodies!) in his wake to be master of all he surveys. This man of yours is a complete megalomaniac and you haven't a hope in hell of changing him!_

_His chart suggests that he's at the top of his game with an army of deluded, deranged, fearful and power-chasing nutjobs at his command. Do you really want to be involved with a shower of psychos like them?_

_You said in your letter he was very persuasive in getting you to marry him. Yes, Capricorns are very determined with acquiring someone or something. Looking at his chart again, I wouldn't be surprised if your hubby hunted you down like prey, torturing and maiming anyone who got in the way!_

_Okay, let's try and find some positives here… he will like the finer things in life, so I expect you'll be living the high life in some swanky, elegant mansion that usually appears in The Daily prophet's monthly 'Wizard and Home' feature. I'm sure we'll soon see you and your other half being photographed in your 56 roomed pile, draped over a 5,000 galleon silk damask chaise longue, wearing matching his and hers satin robes. (Barf!) _

_Anything else positive? Well… he's a bloody good shag! (Not that I have personal experience Primrose! I can see it in his chart, you lucky girl!) He's a real go-er and can last all night (as you already know!). He's a real snake hips, with a magnificent weapon that he knows how to use! He'll give pretty much anything a try and you'll never be bored in the bedroom! (Muggle thespian Ralph Fiennes is another randy Capricorn goat…ooh, he's got such lovely eyes!) _

_Well Primrose, are you prepared to be a submissive, simpering stepford wife for your self obsessed and power hungry husband? If so, you will need to enjoy being bossed about, accept your own needs are second in line and like taking orders. Expect to find the dead bodies of his enemies bleeding all over your Persian rug. _

_Be prepared to massage his ego (and whatever else he orders you to massage!) daily and entertain his creepy friends. In return he'll take good care of you and bonk your brains out! As long as you behave and do as you're told, he'll be a great husband!_

_But I'll give you my honest advice Primrose. If you can't get him to wear a jacket with arms that tie at the back and into a magic proof room with padded walls, then my advice to you is this…Run. Run for the hills and don't look back! _

_His chart suggests he's the craziest nutter the world has seen for some time! Get yourself a top notch divorce lawyer, love! I'm sure any judge who meets him will grant you a divorce on __the grounds of 'unreasonable behaviour' in a flash! _

_I suggest you also get yourself a restraining order and a very secure hiding place if you do divorce him. I don't think he'll be best pleased if you decide to ditch him. His ego won't stand for it! He'll have his equally nutty army of followers out searching for you to bring you back to his lair (He's a caveman!)._

_I hope this helps you to understand your man, Primrose. Please let me know what you decide to do. (And if you'd like to share some of your husband's adventurous bedroom antics, please write back…I'm 75 and don't get much action these days!)_

_Just out of interest, what does your husband do? You never said in your letter. His chart reminds me of one I did some years ago for a loopy witch called Bellatrix Lestrange (I expect you've heard of her…mad as a box of frogs that one!). _

_She wanted a horoscope done for her and the Dark Lord! She was in love with him! (Mad cow!) She'll be even madder now he's given her the bum's rush and tied the knot with some other poor girl! _

_The new Mrs Riddle has got her work cut out, with a deranged Mrs Lestrange lurking round every corner waiting for an opportunity to bump her off and a self-centred, murdering, Looney Tune for a husband! _

_Oh how I hate that psychotic arsehole! As you know he's had me sacked from the daily prophet and put me on the undesirable's list! I remember him from my schooldays at Hogwarts…he always was an odious little creep! My, if I'd have known what he'd grow up to be, I'd have made sure he had a nasty little "accident"!_

_Anyway, good luck for the future Primrose. And if you've got any sense, ditch that husband of yours sharpish! (If it were me, I'd slip something in his tea and do the world and the rest of the female population a favour!)_

_Keep it real girlfriend!_

_Mystical Melody_


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